"Punkin" Pie...a Gardening Adventure

So, here is what I had for dessert last night:

YUMMY! I love Pumpkin Pie this time of year, and with freshly (real) whipped cream it was divine...but what the heck is so interesting about pumpkin pie that I would blog about it? Well, let me tell you!

This tale goes back to the spring time, see I have wonderful parents-in-law who love to help us with projects, play with our girlies, and just are generally all around awesome people. They don't like to stay still, though, and on a visit this spring they dug up the corner of our front yard, right next to our porch, because MIL (mother-in-law) was trying to grow some sproutling flowers and was going to give me some. Well, the flowers were a no go, they got hammered by some crazy early spring weather. My MIL felt bad,  though, about this big patch of turned up dirt in our front yard and asked if I might like to plant some veggies there.

Secretly (or not so much), I would love to be a green thumb, grow wonderful plants and vegetables in my yard and house to enjoy. But... I'm not. I've neither the time, nor money to really invest yet in "gardening". What we have around our yard is: hardy buffalo grass that my hubby maintains, some flowers that my MIL has helped plant in years past that keep on growing and blooming (see I don't even know the difference between perenial and annual, I just know these keep coming back), a sad little Lilac plant that I need to move and tend to (I love lilacs, and I want to keep this one), a crazy grape-vine that came with the house and we tried desperately to kill that I'm deciding I just need accept as part of our family, LOTS of wood chips, and...well...weeds. When we moved in, weeds were the landscaping, and on a 13000 square ft lot, well, it's taking time and persistence to deal with, sigh. Anyways, I have wanted a veggie garden since we bought the house, so when MIL offered to help with just a little one, I said "sure, why not"

So, she gave me seeds (yes, we sure did start from seeds), instructions, and a plan and we got to work. Adding nutrients to the soil, building little hillocks and rows for plants, and carefully planting our little seeds. Then, I said "alright, here's hoping". I can't believe I never took pictures of the progress of our little garden, but I can say that it far exceeded my expectations. We ended up with 2 zucchini bushes, 3 pole bean plants strung to the roof, 1 pat-a-pan squash plant, 4 butternut squash vines, and 1 head of spinach (I tried for some lettuce and more spinach...not super successful, but the spinach was the tastiest I've EVER had). We also grow tomatoes and basil in earth boxes on our front porch, but we get these as plants so not as super exciting...although the homemade spaghetti and pesto is! It was REALLY cool to see, and to show my kids "how does your garden grow", from tiny little seeds, some soil, water, and attention (thank you hubby) we had ALL of these plants growing FOOD for us, WOW!

The harvest from these plants was no less amazing. I have a picture of our final harvest:

In that basket were about 10 butternut and 7 pat-a-pan squashes AND this doesn't include 2 butternut or 4-5 zucchinis (yes, that same size) we'd already given away or eaten, another 3-4 harvests of beans earlier in the year, the spinach, or any of our tomatoes. Pretty much, our garden went NUTS.

Fortunately I REALLY REALLY like all of these veggies. I've also shredded and frozen some of the zucchini to use in breads, muffins, and chili throughout the winter. So, turns out I am a happy gardener! Lately, I've been hearing that it is hard to find canned pumpkin, and that it is expensive this year, so I was kind of bummed I didn't try growing pie pumpkins...which brings me to my pie story.

Monday being Halloween, and I being so on top of it, my girls had pumpkins that they really wanted to carve into Jack-O-Lanterns. They were small pumkins, reminded me of pumpkin pie pumkins and I though "mmmm pie". Would I really deprive my children of this festive activity just for pie, short answer- yes. Well, what I was thinking was "I could just have them paint these this year with washable paint, then wash them later and turn them into pie" See, not a heartless Mom. So, I hopped online and started looking at how to make pumpkin pie from actual pumpkin, a new experiment for me. This is where is got very interesting. At the end of the day, the pumkins looked like this:

So where did the pie come from? Well, my internet search led me to discover that canned pumpkin often comes from a form of butternut squash, so in a pinch you can use a butternut squash for pumpkin pie. WHAT!?!?! you mean I have like 10+ pies worth of squash sitting in a basket in my kitchen, this MUST be tried. So I did. Here's how is went:

The first step is just basic cooking squash technique: cut it in half lengthwise, scoop out seeds, cut into managable peices, place in baking dish with an inch or so of water face down, bake at 350 for 45min-1hr until soft. This is only half of the squash I cooked, I remember half way through scooping to take a picture for blog-land.

Here's this inside onces it is cookes, nice and orange. You can serve this in peices with butter, salt, and pepper as a yummy side if you want...but it gets better.

Scoop as much of the orange yummy-ness out into a blender or food processor (I recently "borrowed" my Mom's old Cuisinart from my Dad's house...this may be a permanent kind of borrow, unless they ask for it back, I LOVE this thing). Blend or mix until it is as very smooth as you can possibly get it. It looks something like this.

Now, with this mixture you could make one of my other yummy Butternut squash recipes: soup. Sautee some diced onions and garlic, add with some (1 can-ish) chicken broth to the squash during puree, put back in a pot on the stove, mix in some milk or cream until the right consitency for you, add some fresh grated nutmeg, salt, and pepper to taste. Viola, Butternut squash soup. This is a favorite of mine, I'm not a fan of tomato soup, so this with grilled cheese is my idea of comfort food ;-)

The instructions I was reading said to strain the pureed pumkin, and since I have a metal strainer I decided I would go ahead and do this step. I'm not sure how essential this step is with butternut squash. It might have been a little smoother, and it did catch one little peice of unpureed squash, but I might try skipping this step next time. Here's what my puree looked like:

This was about 4 cups of squash puree from a decent size (not the biggest we have) squash. The pie recipe I had called for 3 cups of puree, so I stuck the extra in a baggie in the freezer ("pumpkin" muffins anyone?). I then made a crust (from scratch, big pat on the back, decided to try this in my processor too, and it worked like a charm, SUPER yummy too). Added 1 1/2 cans of evaporated milk, 2 cups sugar, 4 eggs, and all the usual spices, baked for an hour and viola, PIE!!!!

We tried it that night, while it was still slightly warm with some ice-cream and it was really good, but not quite the same as my idea of pumpkin pie. We had it last night after chilling with whipped cream and it was AMAZING, the best "pumpkin" pie I've had! Here's where I found recipes and such.

So, my kids got their jack-o-lanterns and I got my pie and everyone was happy. It is official, butternut is my favorite squash. I've always liked it as a side, just sweet and smooth enough to be yummy, then I discovered soup, and most recently I've had Butternut Squash Ravioli which was impressively good, and now PIE, it doesn't get any better in my mind. Now, I think I need another peice, just to make sure it's as good as I remember ;-)

Duct Tape Style Coupon Organizer

My friend Michelle is doing a blog series on saving money, couponing, and other sorts of fun things that us monetary challenged frugal Moms do for our families financially. On that note, I offered to do a few posts on this topic, and the first thing she asked for was a picture of my coupon holder...not really cause it's the do-all-end-all coupon holder, but more because I MADE IT and because its a nice simple one. So, I decided to go above and beyond and post more info on how I made it. First, here it is

 Now, I decided to make this for myself real quick one day during nap time, so instead of thinking ahead and taking pics along the way for a tutorial, I was simply focused on finished before all heck broke loose my kids got up. So, this isn't a step by step picture kind of thing, but more of an overview:

Here is what I used:

~ 2 Mac and cheese boxes- you can any similar sized box, or a cereal box if you want a larger organizer
~ Fun Duct Tape (I found houndstooth, LOVE IT, and bought at a craft store....with a coupon of course!) This was actually the only item I had to buy for this project, everything else I happened to have at home
~ Clear Packing Tape
~ Scissors (yes, for cutting)
~ Envelopes (I used 3 5/8inx6 1/2in size, you could use longer for a larger holder
~ Ribbon (not a necessity, but it made it prettier and easier to see the flap, I just raided old wrapping paper/craft supplies for a peice)
~  Sticky back velcro- This is just to hold your top flap closed. Again, I happen to be a craft nerd, so I have some but you can find little packages of this about anywear, very handy.

Here is how I cut the first macaroni box- cut off the top and bottom flaps, then cut out one of the skinny side pannels. Voila, you have the folder section for the coupon holder.

The second box for the flap, I patterned this after my billfold, actually, cause I like it. Just cut one of the large sides of the box about 2/3 of the width, then cut triangles off the sides to make the angles.

Okay, assembly. Now to not leave you hangin I am putting up the Youtube tutorial I found for the idea. Notable differences are the size of the holder (I wanted mine to fit in my purse) and the decorative ribbon, and the flap I just stuck the ribbon to the holder and covered it with a strip of packaging tape (which is also used to attach the inner envelopes, as you can see in the video) across the top for protection. For the flap, I made a section for the "hinged" top area out of just duct tape so it would be more flexible, and then have the flap. So, I covered the box folder...then had a strip of plain duct tape...then attached the flap. Hope that makes some sort of sense after you see the video.

A couple things to remember:

~ My duct tape was just slightly see through in the white part, so I made the bright side of the box the inside.

~ Start by taping the inside of the holder and finish on the outside, this way the tape overlap will be on the inside of the holder.

~ These are just ideas, make it your own! And if you have a question for me, just ask :)

Mei Tai It Up! (a 'tutorial')

Oh Michelle will be so happy, I finally got my booty in gear and posted these instructions. Background: Bff is having second baby and is a skinny minny on the slim side so Baby Bjorn style carriers just weren't cutting it for her (as they don't for most women in comparison to a better carrier I'm finding out, which is bologna for the $80-$100 price tags on those things!). So, she tells me about a carrier she is looking at, and I think (much to the pride of my frugal roots) "I wonder if I could make that". A quick internet search reveals that, yes, someone smarter than I has already laid the foundation of instructions and I figure I can alter the design slightly to be more like the carrier my friend would like. Oh, and did I mention I had a 4-ish month old and figured I'd make one for me as "practice"...I know, sacrifice. Anyways, here's what I did, with some pictures, in case any of you would like to design and make your own versatile kangaroo pouch.

I took inspiration from another blog online and these instructions combine the techniques:  http://scanditute.blogspot.com/

Materials:

From http://scanditute.blogspot.com/: Strap fabric (the brown twill in the pic): “2.5 yards of strap fabric. When choosing your strap fabric - it is important to select a bottom-weight fabric like canvas, denim or twill with a minimum weight of 7 oz. Actually, 10 oz. is better. Baby cord is not strong enough for a baby carrier. NOTE: There has been a lot of recent discussion about the suitability of corduroy for mei tai straps. Cord is a compromised fabric because the pile inside the wales has been cut, thus weakening it. If you do intend to use cord for your mei tai, I can not stress enough how important it is to make sure that the cord is strong. Hold it up to the light before sewing with it. If you can see light through the fabric, it probably isn't strong enough. Cord carriers have ripped in several instances because the fabric used was not strong enough to support the weight of a baby. Please exercise utmost caution when using cord. For what it's worth, I now only make mei tais with heavy canvas (8-10 oz) or twill. In addition to being safer choices, sturdy, strong fabrics also offer the most support and comfort.”

Other fabric:

¾ yard outer design fabric. (Flower patterned cotton in the pic)

¾ yard lining fabric. (Pink Minky in the pic) Minky or Fleece works well and is snuggly soft, a friend of mine also used another design fabric and made it “reversible” (it will look a little different on the other side because of the way it is put together, but it works the same)

An 18" square of heavy canvas. (Cream colored piece you can just see under the designed fabric in the pic)

Some fleece or cotton batting for padding the waist and shoulder straps. (I used polar fleece, easy to work with and was cheap on sale/with coupon) This is where I cannot remember exactly how much you will need. You will need 2- 12x20 inch squares, 1- 12x17inch square, and another 2-4 layers for the padded upper piece. I think a yard is plenty, but check my math.

Thread: I used button/craft thread for sewing the straps on the canvas to make sure it is secure, but heads up, some sewing machines have a hard time sewing with this thread so check your manufacturer’s instructions for information. If it says it will be difficult to sew denim, it may be difficult to sew the canvas with this thread.

Coordinating, high-quality thread like Gutermann for the rest of the project.

Make sure you wash and press all of your fabric before beginning (I even washed the canvas and air dried to make sure I could wash and air dry the Mei Tai when it was finished).

I can tell you that I found twill on sale (40 or 50%) off, and spent about $45 total. You could get cheaper even if you really focused on shopping with coupons and for go the fancier fabric. It is well worth this price, to me, though as these carriers sell for $100 and up.

Step One- Straps:

Finished straps will be 4" wide by 74”-84" long, so measure 9" across the short end of your strap fabric (will give you a 1/2" seam allowance) and measure the length of your choice + 4” on the long end (add another 4” to the finished length for canvas attachment)

“Note: 84” are really long straps. You might want to make them up to 10" shorter. I like to tie Tibetan in a back carry, so I make them longer for me. If you decide to make the shoulder straps shorter, make sure you keep the waist strap around 80-84".”

If you desire, cut the straps at an angle on one end if you prefer a taper.

Next, sew the shoulder straps: with right sides together, stitch the straps from the point of the taper to the end. Turn right side out and press.

For the padding - I used a layer of polar fleece - cut 12"x20" Then, fold the long ends to meet in the center and then fold that in half (so raw ends are tucked inside). I always make a little tack stitch on the ends and the center so it stays together while I'm stuffing it into the straps.

Now, to stuff the straps- Fold the top 8-10 inches of the strap down like you're turning down the cuff of socks. Stuff one end of the batting inside and pull the strap material up over the batting. Use kitchen tongs or a yardstick to help in keeping it flat and even. Stuff it far enough inside so that you have at least four inches of strap material left at the top. (Yes, this takes a little effort to get done) Stitch three equally-spaced lines down the length of the padding in the straps. (I did the two outer lines first and then finished with the middle line to make it easier to get the spacing even)

Step Two- Cut Body and Attach Straps:

For the body of the Mei Tai, you'll need to cute the pattern from: one layer of your decorator fabric, one layer of the liner or reverse (minky, fleece, or another decorator fabric if you want it to be reversible to that), and one layer of heavy canvas for the inside.

Here is a pic of the pattern the http://scanditute.blogspot.com/ blog had and here are her instructions: This pattern is “Cut on the FOLD. The body is 8" wide at the middle, 18" tall. The flat part at the top is 5" and the part where the shoulder straps attach is also 5". You may choose to make your pattern a few inches taller if you have an older baby. This pattern will yield a MT approximately 17"-17.5" tall.”

So, you can draw out and make your own pattern.

                                              

Now, my husband has this wonderful program called AutoCAD for his work, with which he so nicely designed a pattern for me. I can send this pattern to you if you ask for it, in PDF form, but I will warn you that it is in 11x17 format (because we conveniently have a printer this size, again for his work). The seam allowance (dotted line) for this pattern is 3/8”. This pattern is really only for the shape of the top edge and for the padded upper piece (more on that later). So, what I did was to trace the top edge p ortion (the smaller shape on the pattern that looks like the contour on the pic above) onto the top of a piece of tissue paper and then measured 18” down from the middle, marked my bottom line, and then drew a straight line from the bottom of the curve edge to this bottom line, viola, I had a reproducible pattern. The long, straight side is ON THE FOLD. We’ll get to the top piece later. Here are the 3 body pieces cut out with the pattern.

Next you prep canvas and attach straps. First, fold down the 3/8" seam allowance on the canvas body panel where the shoulder straps will attach and press.

Then, pin the straps centered on the body. Tip: roll up the straps and secure with a rubber band to keep things neat while you're stitching.

Stitch around the straps with a square and an X in the center. This is where I used the heavy duty button/craft thread. I also doubled this line (so stitched twice total). This is all because this area is what will carry the weight of baby, and I wanted it to be very secure. If you sew the lines in this order:

Then you can do it all in one shot without having to cut thread and move the needle.

Step Four- Make and attach the Padded Upper:

I traced the pattern for the upper (the larger shape that looks like the pieces below) onto tissue paper. This is CUT ON THE FOLD. Then, cut two pieces of your strap fabric (coordinates so well!) and 2-4 pieces out of your fleece or batting (I forgot to take pics of these pieces, same shape though) depending on the thickness you want, thick is nice for this padding and helps it stay up well. It helps to cut the padding layers at least 3/8” smaller than the  outer fabric pieces so they fit inside easily.

With right sides together, sew the top edges of the outer fabric pieces together leaving the bottom edge open, turn right side out, and press with the bottom edge seam allowance folded under. Fit the fleece/batting inside this cover piece and trim if you need so this lays nice a flat. You may want to tack the fleece/batting pieces together before placing them all inside the cover. (Sorry, again I forgot a picture of this part).

Prep your outer design carrier fabric by pressing under the seam allowance at the shoulder. Now, place your outer design fabric face up and lay the padded upper piece on top of it, lining up the curved edges and pin in place (again, I forgot to take a picture of this step, but it will look something like this, just without the sewn lines and finished edges).

Now sew the along bottom edge of the padded upper, the first horizontal line of the padding, and the edge between these two lines all to the design fabric for the Mei Tai Body. I know this is a little confusing… you can see the line I sewed in this pic (from the backside- it’s easier to see, although I sewed with it facing up):

Step Five- Assemble Body Pieces:

Pin the outer design fabric (with the padded upper) facing down on top of the liner (i.e. right sides together). It helps to fold and pin the padded upper piece down on top of itself at the horizontal line you sewed previously, so it will be tucked inside the pieces pinned together. You want to make sure that the padded upper is OUT OF THE WAY of sewing during this part.

Stitch with a 3/8" seam allowance SKIPPING OVER the part where the shoulder straps are attached. Don't worry about stitching the bottom closed. This will be sandwiched in the waist strap anyway.

Turn inside out, pull the straps through, unfold the padded upper, and press. The front will look something like this:

Now, at those shoulder straps, where you've folded under the canvas and liner fabrics, you'll see you now have neat layers. Fold the decorator fabric under and pin through the straps and all layers.

Topstitch around the entire body of the carrier, except the bottom, very close to the edge. You will be sewing through the padded upper in this stage. You can simply sew the edge and next horizontal line through the padding at the top edge of the Mei Tai body. Then, you can go ahead and stitch one more horizontal line through the padding to finish it. I’ve brightened up one of the pictures to show these lines a little better.

It can be tricky to catch all the layers while stitching around the padded upper, so take your time. I’ve also had to go back and sew another line at the places where the shoulder straps attach to catch all the layers and folds, and it looks fine when it’s all finished.  

This topstitching will close all the holes and give the carrier a nice, finished look.

Step Six- Waist Strap:

Take the last strap and cut a taper on both ends if desired. Stitch right sides together, leaving an 18" hole in the center. Turn right side out and press. (I went ahead and did this when I made the first two straps)

Measure a 12"x17" piece of polar fleece, fold it like you did for the shoulder straps, insert the bottom few inches of the body of the carrier inside the padding. Here’s a pic of a different Mei Tai with the polar fleece folded around the bottom:

Sandwich the fleece and the bottom of the Mei Tai body inside the hole in the waist strap, turn the raw ends of the strap under, and pin.

Top stitch to close the opening and then stitch horizontal lines through the padding for security and comfort.

Finished! Here’s a couple that I have made so far:

Step Seven- Wear Baby and Enjoy!:

I have found this too be a comfortable and EXTREMELY versatile carrier. I've used it for front carries, hip carries, and back carries (even hiking in Yellowstone). I've also carried my older daughter (when she was almost 3) in it through Costco when she had fallen asleep in the car and wouldn't easily wake up. Here is a site that has some directions for some carries in this type of carrier: http://kozycarrier.homestead.com/instructions.html

 Make sure you learn how to tie the Mei Tai safely and effectively, you are carrying precious cargo!

~ FOR PERSONAL USE ONLY ~

                                                

Heaven is for Real

As you can see, I'm about to get faith-ful on ya, but please stick around regardless of your beliefs because I think this is an important part of me. I am not very Evangelical, it's not my strength, but I do hope that the light of Christ in my life shines out through me and may at some point make someone think "hmm, maybe there's something special there" cause there is, just sayin. I am writing this post because sometimes something crosses your path and makes you fall to your knees, so to speak. Well, a few months ago my sister mentioned this book to me, Heaven is for Real, and then last week she gave it to me. Good timing because a couple of nights ago I finished my pile of "to reads" and was ready to pick up a new book last night. So, I picked up this pretty short (155 page) book at 10:30 at night to read a little before bed. Well, I put it down, finished, early this morning. I am NOT that kind of reader anymore, even my fave kind of books have the tendency to put me to sleep in my tired Mommy state, so when I told my husband this morning even he said "You FINISHED it!" If you get no further in this post, then please pick up this book and read, even if it's just for fun, or a "what are those crazy Christians talking about now" kind of read. Here, though, is my "Heaven is for Real" kind of story because I don't just believe that God answers prayers and is present in my life, I KNOW it.

If you are/know any Christians than you know there is the "asking God and Jesus into your heart" moment. Well, that's really where I begin because I think about it every once in a while. I was 6 years old and a busy kid who loved to pretend and play just about anything. I was also in Sunday school, and I'm sure one Sunday our teachers told us about asking God or Jesus into our hearts, I really don't remember these details. What I do remember in vivid detail (which they call flash bulb memories in psychology I've now learned, by the way) was the moment I asked God into my heart. I was sitting with one leg tucked under me and my other knee by my chin, next to the air conditioning vent in our living room playing with a peice of paper in the cold air comming from the vent, and I remembered "oh yeah, I have to ask God into my heart" so I closed my eyes and prayed in the way a 6 year old knows how "Dear Jesus, please come into my heart and stay there forever, thank you" Then I opened my eyes and got up and ran into our kitchen. That's all I remember of that day, but the point is I REMEMBER it, in vivid detail. I'm sure I pretended to be lots of things at that age, but they are vague memories of a beautiful childhood, not pinpoint. I also remember feeling light and happy, like I'd just accomplished something, which I remember seeming silly since all I'd done was ask God to come into my heart when I already knew He surrounded me everyday. I now know I had accomplished something, the most important something of my life.

I could take you through numerous examples of God working in very tangible ways in my life, I don't know where it really begins or ends, it just always has been. I know one of them was meeting my husband, because had it not been for Christ we would not have come together and Tim has been one of the greatest gifts God has given me. I want to focus for now though again on my Mom and my journey with her disease and death. I know I've spoken of her in some depth in another post here but I want to tell the whole story.

My Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer the summer before I went into 8th grade. This timing, well sucked. I was an ackward, at best, young teen and had never really faced any difficulty and was not even close to prepared for the year that was to come. My Mom's 13 hour surgery came and went very well, we were surrounded by friends and family lifting us up and what I thought would be the hardest single part of this journey would turn out to be by far the easiest. After surgery came radiation, and this is where the troubles began. I don't even remember all of the hospitalizations and challenges during this period, but one example was a point where Mom got really really sick, lethargic, and out of it. When my Dad took her to the hospital they found out that her blood sugar level (which at the very high end of "normal" is 180) was 1300, and she could have died if he hadn't took her in. This was a complication, turns out, of the steriods they were giving her to control the swelling in her brain from radiation treatment and we were totally unprepared for it. Between all of these side effects and things happening Mom just was too sick to be Mom. She was in and out of the hospital, I remember she had to be in the hospital that year for Christmas, which was incredibly hard on me. We were taking over the household things, and were trying desperately to cling to some sense of normalcy. It was during this time that I began writing, and have very poignant verses from these days:

A Cry

A cry in the dark sent her in
To her child's side, My Side

Through my life her love kept growing
My light in the darkest of nights

So many nights now I am weeping
In need of her constant care

But even love unending
Can hide in darkness and despair

I'm scared, I'm crying
To no prevail

"Where oh where is my Mommy"
Where oh where is her care?

I can hear my Father weeping
even though he hides his tears

I can see my Sisters heart breaking
hiding nothing all is fear

I sit here lost and lonely
knowing there is little I can do

My whole life is slipping
sliding like my tears

Where I turn to
Where I go

Because I know You are out there watching
Caring for me so Dear

Written when I was just 13 years old, and it makes me cry to write it now because I can not imagine that child (for I was) that was hurting so very much. As these verses indicate, I clutched to my faith during this time, but I won't say this fixed everything. I will never forget laying in my little bed one night, aching so deeply, crying as hard as I've ever cried saying "Please God, I just want a hug, just give me a hug, it hurts too much". But, no giant arms reached through the ceiling to pick me up out of the hurt. The answer to that prayer was yet to come which I did not understand and just hurt so very deeply. My "friends" were 13 year olds just like me who couldn't handle navigating their own lives, let alone the struggles I was having, so I lost most of my friends except one amazing friend, Karina. I drifted through my classes, my school life in general, looking for nothing more than something away from the hurt I felt inside. I remember that year having several suicidal thoughts, but felt like I couldn't share this with my family because I thought it would be too much more of a burden on them. I thank God today that through his grace and my friendship with Karina (a friend from church, I might add) I made it through that period even though I hadn't reached out for help.  We came through it as a family, and my Mom healed and was well as I entered high school and life seemed to be getting back to "normal".

Our indication that the journey was not yet finished came as my Mom started forgetting little things. Now, if you know me then you know a little of what my Mom was like. She was an amazingly organized, thoughtful, and make-it-look-easy multitasker. Then at first, she'd get a little confused, then she had a hard time at work, eventually being asked to resign when I was a senior in high school, and by and by her mind slipped away more and more. My last best memory of her was the weekend of orientation we spent together at CU. She was determined to be present and supportive of me in every way possible. I, of course, was a headstrong 18 year old girl ready for my freedom. It was a nice weekend, though, that we spent walking the campus together and talking about how the school was, and how proud of me she was. She always was and always expressed it. I love her still for this, because my self confidence now is a by product of this. During my first semester of college, this Mom I knew, ever present and involved, taking care of anything and everything I needed, slipped away. By second semester freshmen year I was taking care of everything from finances to my health care that I had so recently taken completely for granted. I now know that this fostered an indepence and strength that I needed in life, but at the time I threw a pretty good self-pitty party and racked up substantial student loans to "give myself what I needed since I had to now". If I'd asked, I could have gotten more help, I just didn't know that I should. During this time, I "met" Tim. Really, what happened was that I recognized Tim from our shared history so we became friends and quickly more. God gave me someone special, and I know this saved me in many ways, but that is another story.

I don't remember when Mom started having her "episodes" but she would get a headache, get really confused, and then seem to recover, if not entirely back to her previous self. My sister had moved in with my parents at this point to help out. The doctors would rule out major strokes or other issues, but my Mom again spent periods of time in the hospital. A moment here came when I was home visiting my Mom in the hospital when a neurosurgeon came to talk to us, Dr. S. Yup, I still rememeber his name and will NEVER recommend him (a word of caution to cavalier Dr's, we are not mindless sheep, we will remember your name for decades and your attitudes and behaviors will catch up to you). Basically, Dr. S to me, my sister, and my Mom (who was concious, just a little confused at this point) insinuated that trying to figure out a diagnosis or treatment was pointless considering the "quality of life" it would offer my Mom. Yup, he basically said it would be better to give up on her than to fight the fight which SHE STILL WANTED TO FIGHT. My Mom basically thought she was dying, good job Doc, way to follow the Hippocratic Oath. Up until that moment we had been fighting hard to try to help my Mom, focusing on the positive and hope, but in that moment I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and deflated. I went out into the hallway and let it all out in a flood of sobs and tears, thinking "Not AGAIN, I CAN'T go through THAT again". I'm sure I looked a mess and would have attracted attention, but what came next shook me so deeply it gives me goosebumps today. As I cried, a nurse came up to me, handed me a box of kleenex, and gave me a hug (which after becoming a nurse I know isn't extremely common either). Then, another visitor at the hospital came up to me and gave me a hug. Next a hospital chaplain came up to me, asked if he could pray for me and gave me a hug. Then, my sister came out into the hallway and held me in her arms, and we shared our hurt together. After I had calmed down and was by this time sitting on the floor against the wall, I thought "In all the time I've been in hospitals I've never had that many people all of a sudden pop out of nowhere just to give me a hug". Suddenly, I had one of those "flashbacks" to laying in bed all those years ago crying out to God for a HUG. Tears started streaming down my face again, but not because I was sad. I realized that the prayer I'd felt had gone unanswered and hurt from so deeply had not gone unheard. God had LISTENED to me and in this next close to breakdown moment HE would NOT let me feel that alone again. We are God's body, and you may touch someone in ways you cannot even imagine with something as simple as a hug.

 In December of 2003, our Junior year of college, Tim and I got engaged. My Mom was so happy, it seemed to be something we could finally connect together about again. We started planning the wedding, found my dress, tasted cake, picked out flowers. She was still pretty sick, but she did her best to be an involved Mom, just like I'd always known her. Then, in August of 2004, just 4 months before my wedding, she had another "episode". I happened to be in town at a friend's for the weekend and I rushed in the middle of the night to the emergency room to meet my sister. As I drove the song "How Do I Live" by Leann Rimes came on the radio and tears were coming so hard that I consider it another small miracle I made the drive in one peice. "How do I, Get through one night without you, if I had to live without you, what kind of life would that be?" Deep down, I don't know how, but I knew.

I met my sister in the ER, Mom was having scans done to check her brain for stroke. It came back with no signs of typical stroke activity, just as it always had. They brought her back to the room and she was awake. When she saw me she smiled a little, the same smile she always used to try to comfort me. Then, was trying to ask us something, but she couldn't get the words out or communicate. I could tell she was confused, frustrated, and scared. That was hard. I tried to reassure her, to let her know she was being taken care of. They moved her to a regular room, and sometime in the early morning she went to sleep. That was the last time I saw my Mom awake, or smile at me, or heard her voice. I wish this last memory was better, but to be honest, it just hurts. The next week is a blur of hospital rooms, Dr. theories, strings of hope, then seizures, ICU, and finally, the peace of hospice care.

The torment and struggle all seemed to calm down the moment hospice got involved, but we began another difficult process...letting go. After watching my Mom struggle and suffer for the week, I was ready for her to be at peace. It still hurt so much though, and there is a lot about that whole time that is still healing. We got to bring Mom home, though, and that was priceless. We set her up in the sitting room just outside my parent's bedroom and began the care and wait of dying. The hospice nurse was wonderful, and showed us how to mix and administer the medications to keep her out of seizures (watching your Mom have a Grand Mal seizure is something I don't wish on anyone) and keep her out of pain. The nurse told us the first day we were home that she thought my Mom would pass sometime that night...but she held on for days. I struggled, wondering what she was holding onto, and whether God was even there was to lift her up and help her. I remember a lot of these thoughts, mixed with laying with her in her bed, brushing her hair, putting lotion on her hands, singing lullabies to her with my sister at night, and telling her she could let go. Her care was round the clock, and we set alarms to help remember along with the meticulous charting of dosages (I was practicing for my future career). In the middle of the night I was up getting some of her medications ready. Our upstairs back deck is shaped like an L, and the kitchen window looks out onto the deck in front of the sitting room window. I was looking at the syringes on the counter and rinsing out a medicine cup when I glanced up, was startled seeing someone out there, so I looked up again and my mouth dropped along with the medicine cup I'd been holding. In front of the window to the sitting room I saw a man, his face looking at the window with compassion and concern, his arms spread with his palms to the sky, and there was a light around his whole being, especially around his head. His body was clothed in white and it seemed almost like a mirrage as it shimmered ever so slightly all around him. He looked in the window, and then up at the sky and then was gone from my sight. I realized we were being cared for deeply, and God was RIGHT THERE with us and I started shaking, and was still shaking but smiling when I walked into the sitting room. I looked at my sister and said, "I think I just saw an angel".

Doubters may question what I saw with ideas about sleep deprivation or the deep emotional state of grief I was in. That's fine, I've had two babies now, and I know what sleep deprivation does to me. I grieved and ached deeply for months and years, but have had no recurring visions like this. What my journey taught me was that God does hear, and in the deepest darkest moments he is there, and answers prayers. I still fall into doubt, and I will admit that because I love science and thinking things through that it is true that sometimes God and his plan just don't make a lot of sense. What I know is that my sense doesn't matter. When I read "Heaven is for Real" last night, I got goosebumps a few times, but one was because when the little boy, Colton, described the angels...it was just like what I remembered Mom's angel looked like. I put the book down, lay in bed smiling, and the thought suddenly came "I can't WAIT to see my Mom again" and I starting crying, again, with the grief and sadness, but also renewed hope. I got up to go finish crying and blow my nose in the bathroom so I wouldn't disturb Tim. We leave the Christian radio station on in my girls' room at night as background noise, and as I sat down to wipe my eyes I heard the song change and goosebumps jumped to my skin again:

"Dancing with the Angels", a song that started playing on the radio shortly after Mom's death and we actually played at my Wedding reception in honor of her. Yes God, I hear you, Thank you for being ever present in my heart just like I asked over 20 years ago.