You don't need to call suicide prevention and I'm not in the middle of some pre-midlife crisis. Last weekend at the IF:Gathering I felt one of those shifts, a slight tremor in my soul, a movement of the Spirit. It may end with these thoughts pouring from my heart, but I hope not. I hope it is a tremor that becomes a shake that turns into an upheaval that will go on until the landscape of this world has been utterly changed. What IF?
What IF: My life does not matter? The truth is that my Father God is all powerful and in the end He will bring forth His kingdom, His plan will come to fruition, and the best part of the story is that we already know the ending: He WILL win. There is nothing that anyone will do that will change this truth. My life does not matter.
I am not here for this life. I am here as part of His ongoing plan: to bring as many of His children into His kingdom as possible. My God will not stop, will not give up, will not come again to make everything perfect eternally until His plan is complete. He is long-suffering. He is patience. The 32-100+ years of my life do not matter.
This world is full of brokenness. Things happen that "shouldn't"; the earth swells and overwhelms, carefully constructed edifices crumble; our bodies wear down, wear out, and give up; people hurt one another inside and out; we gain it, we loose it, and still we hold on so tight to it that we or it breaks. It does not matter.
Brokenness is our separation from God, visible as sin. It is the space the enemy uses to try to turn us from God and separate us forever. Sin is the only card the enemy has to play, the only thing he can do in the face of certain defeat. The enemy knows he will loose in the end and is trying to make the loss less bitter by taking what he can from God before it's over. The enemy is cunning and unflinching in his own depravity. He knows that turning us from God will not change the outcome, but he will not stop attacking while he has the chance. He grasps any hold he can find, pursuing our hearts with calculating accuracy. He attacks no matter the cost because he knows he can not win. Nothing is more dangerous than a bitter enemy who already knows he is defeated. He will go down fighting no matter what. The cost to my life does not matter.
The enemy knows my weaknesses, the distractions of this world that draw me into brokenness. These are chains he uses to bind me and hold me in bondage as real as any slavery in this world. I selfishly pursue health, wealth, success, security, happiness, and so on... as if they were in my power alone to ensure. As if my Father God would not provide them in proportion to my need. As if there was nothing worse than my failure to achieve them. As if there were nothing worth more pursing. I hold onto people, things, circumstances, and knowledge that I think will ensure my achievement in this life when really I am just fortifying the chains. I am held in chains by a life that does not matter.
To my Father God, creator of the universe known and unknown, who is bigger than any box I can put Him in, who is the epitome of Love, and who IS GOOD, I matter. I am His beloved daughter. He moved mountains, defeated armies, waited eternities, gave up HIS SON because I matter. He will wait, will pursue, will fight for, will ALWAYS love me because I matter. It does not end here, I do not have to close the book at the end of this life. I have the promise of perfect eternity given to me by my Father God and paid for through the blood of His Son because...
What IF: I lived this truth?
Instead of pursuing all those things I think I need to ensure in this life, what IF I lived in deep, abiding trust of the love and provision of my Father God? If I believed that in every area of my life God will provide perfectly according to His plan, that everything I truly need will be provided like manna from heaven. All I need is to walk daily in faith, pick it up, and put it in my mouth. I will not be left hungry or wanting, I will not be forsaken. I will not be here one minute more or one minute less than He intends and the purpose of it all was set long before my time began. I matter and I do not have to be bound by these constraints of the enemy. I am God's beloved daughter and through Him I have more power than the enemy could ever threaten. God will loose the chains that control me and change them to weapons He will use to fight the good fight in my life. What IF: I could be powerful, I could be free?
Could I walk in faith even when the path looks different, difficult, or even dangerous? Could I let go of control? What do I know about loosing control? I know that when I lost my mom, I experienced God, in big ways, small ways, miraculous ways, and difficult ways, but most importantly: in so many ways. I know that when we gave up our self-determined ways with money and followed God's path, it was tough at times, full of challenges and frustration, but He provided in ways my mind could not have imagined. In just these parts of my life, I have already experienced the very nature of my Father God and found Him more than enough. I feel it. He has so much more of Himself left to reveal to me and through me, more than all the steps I have left in front of me in this life.
What IF: I just took that first step?